How can a blank canvas be so confused?

bemused adjective – preoccupied; lost in thought

I couldn’t think of a better name for this blog if i tried – it actually felt like a mild stroke of genius when I came up with that one. Those two words are just the perfect description of how i feel about myself right now, and are ultimately why i decided to start this blog to begin with. i’m starting this as a journal of sorts to help me try to make some sense of my thoughts and feelings, primarily for my partner to read (thus why we are keeping it private for now, we might open it up later if we both agree on it – and yet i find myself still writing like i have an audience – i think that diary like style of writing makes it easier for me to keep talking without feeling strange).

So for the benefit of anyone who isn’t my partner if you ever get to see this, i’m a male in my mid 20’s, i have what i would like to call a fairly successful career to date, and a family that i love to bits – that’s what the world gets to see of me. Then there is another part of me – a part where i want to submit to my wife, where i want to be bound and abused, where i want to be used and feel owned. Naturally this part is much more private, and as such it hasn’t been able to be out and open and as well thought out as the rest of my life, i still event feel awkward talking about it to my wife, and we have been together for years and she has known a little about how i feel for almost as long.

What is the problem then i hear you ask? Well we have tried before to do the whole slave and Mistress thing, with varying levels of success, but each time it eventually dwindled away and returned back to that dark corner of my mind. After talking with my wife about it, she said she didn’t really feel like she really understood what i wanted out of this type of relationship – and to be honest neither did i – all i had was lots of random little fantasies that i was trying to piece together into one meaningful piece. i think this lack of understanding what ultimately the undoing of what we were trying to achieve.

The goal now is clear – understanding and getting myself out of this feeling of ‘bemusement’. To understand that private corner of my life and to share every part of it with my wife, so that ultimately we can both benefit from it. i’ll continue to document my thoughts and actions here and hopefully a path forward will eventually form.


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